Canon Keepers VIII: A Sure Sign of Madness
by JealousOfTheMoon
Summary: Talking to oneself is a sure sign of madness, or so they say. Peter is willing to do battle over that one. [Oneshot. Maybe Not So Slight MovieBashing. Featuring Peter and Edmund as Canon Keepers.]


**Canon Keepers VIII: A Sure Sign of Madness **

It had never happened before.

It was happening now.

Peter Pevensie was being _laid off_.

Peter Pevensie, High King of Narnia, Emperor of the Lone Islands, Owner-Of-Lots-Of-Titles-Which-Take-Too-Much-Time-To-Type, was being laid off.

"I don't see where she gets off!" He was rambling to himself. "I just don't understand it! I left my canon—left my _kingdom_—to take up her measly offer, and she thinks she can _sack me_? Well, if that's what she thinks, she can bally well see what happens when I pack up and leave her company in shambles!"

The "She" he referred to in that sentence was none other than his Executive Authoress, Supreme Ruler of Canon Keepers, Inc., and also a trifle whacked (if you take my meaning). Power and all that got to her head rather easily.

But, as everyone knew and everyone except Peter claimed, it wasn't anything in the Executive Authoress' head that caused this recent firing of the Noble Narnian Sovereign, but something in _Peter's _head.

The following morning, he had come stumbling into his cousin's counseling office, claiming he had been talking to _himself_!

"Eustace!" he had gasped, his eyes wild and his hair tousled. "I've talked to myself…and do you know, he's more awful than I thought. Oh, Eustace – he's _terrible_! I simply never imagined…Eustace, Eustace!" His cousin merely stared with wide eyes and opened mouth. "But I didn't let him in, Eustace, don't you worry about _that_ – see if that nasty, vile person that is myself ever steals _my_ job!"

At which point Dr. Eustace Clarence Scrubb sat him down, kindly handed him a cup of tea, and told him he was a retard.

Er, actually, he said "mentally unstable," or some slightly more gentle term which wouldn't be as likely to get him sued. But the problem wasn't so much that he had told _Peter_ he was overworked and unfit for any job as it was that Eustace had also told the higher ups in the company. Said higher ups promptly decided Peter needed a permanent leave.

Hence he was being fired.

At least they were trying to fire him. They called it '_Rest and Recuperation for an Indefinite Period of Time_.' Peter knew what **that** meant. But he hadn't been king of Narnia for nothing, and he had a rather brilliant – or at least generally un-thought of – plan.

Peter figured if he didn't leave his office, barred the door, and laid Rhindon across his lap, no one could get him out of there. If no one could get in there, Edmund couldn't get in there (the brothers shared an office), and he would of course agree to let Edmund get back to work if the higher-ups would also allow himself (Peter) to get back to work as well. That is, if they wouldn't fire him.

So that is what he did. He got to his office fifteen minutes early, piled chairs and lamps and anything heavy around the door, and sat in a chair facing the door with his sword in his lap. He had also previously swiped Edmund's key, as a precaution.

'_Ha!'_ he thought. '_See if they get me out of here as easily as they think!'_

Of course, Edmund was up in a minute and trying to bang down the door – pity he'd thought to wedge the latch with a solid iron lamp – and there were security personnel running around yelling, but somehow they realized he was armed and dangerous. For half a moment, Peter saw himself going down in a messy fight – _'better than succumbing to myself! Ugh…talking to him – me – was terrible! Terrible…_' when the noise abruptly stopped. Peter was quite puzzled, and so wrapped up in his thoughts (which alternated between mad ravings against himself and ponderings on the recent development of Quiet) that he didn't hear the funny scuffling noises coming up the wall outside the window farthest from his seat. A moment later, the window slid open and a slender girl of about fifteen or sixteen slid in. Her hair was somewhat mousy and her face rather pale, but she had a pleasant look about her nonetheless.

Peter caught sight of her swinging over his windowsill and toppled his chair over backwards. The next moment, he was on his feet, gripping and swinging his sword rather recklessly—dangerously.

"Stay back!" he cried. "You don't want to get hurt!"

"Hey, Peter," she said carelessly. "You work in here?"

"I _am _working in here, and _intend to_ for a very long time," Peter corrected her fiercely. "But not _over-_working. Not like Eustace thinks I am. And I'm good at it. Not like that person I talked to, the one who was me."

"Of course not," the girl agreed, pulling the rest of herself inside. "That's a awfully nice sword, Peter. Was it your present from Father Christmas?" She closed the window as she spoke.

"Indeed," Peter said. "You already knew that," he accused, swinging the sword around again. "And don't go near that door! Wouldn't want to let him inside—claiming to be me! HA!"

"Wouldn't dream of it," she laughed, and seated herself calmly in one of the chairs facing the desk. "Gum?" she pulled a pack from her wallet.

"No thanks," Peter gritted out, "And no thanks to your company, too!"

"Goodness," she continued, not noticing or at least ignoring his glaring and gritting and griping. "You've got this place pretty well barricaded."

"Yes," Peter agreed. "No one barricades like I do, not even the White Witch—I fought _her_ and it was a bit battle and quite rough but they didn't call me overworked! Mentally unstable…retarded…I'll show that Eustace who's retarded!" He leapt to his feet, as if ready to go and indeed show Eustace who _was_ retarded, but the woman waved it aside languidly.

"Oh, to do that you'd have to open the door, and I think it looks much nicer with the chairs and lamp-stands all piled 'round it."

"Yes," Peter said, seating himself in Edmund's chair. His personal chair was still lying on the floor. "Looks quite good to me, too—better than I did the other day when I came in and acted like a complete _beast!_" He moaned, sticking his head on his desk. "Am I really that awful? That stupid? That…that…_wrong?_"

"Tell me about that person, Peter…who came and talked to you?" Her voice was soothing, and he thought it was rather nice.

"Ugh…" He groaned. "Terrible. Terrible, it really was. I don't know why he came in. Said he wanted a position here. Told him we don't need any more. Said he could help out. Said he'd heard we were having difficulties in a way that he could take on. I asked what his name was. He said…said…he was _me_."

"You think he stole your identity?" The girl looked curious, but in a bored sort of way. He liked that.

"Eh…I don't know…NO! He had my sword an' everything! He had my clothes and…and…he had my _crown!_ Am I really that way? Is that how people see me?"

"No, I'm sure they don't," the girl soothed. "How did you see him?"

"He was…stupid. He didn't know _anything_ right, and when he did know things, he shouldn't have. He was me…I've been me before, and I should be used to it – but he's _not me! _Tell them! Tell them all! He's _not me_!"

"I'm sure he's just an imposter and it will all be worked out," she yawned. "Pete, don't sweat it. It'll be over soon, and I think the EA will give you your job back. It sounded bad when you first told her, but there's nothing to worry about now, and I think everything will work now. You can unbar your door and I promise you: no one will be waiting to throw you out—although your brother probably intends far worse."

Peter answered the last statement with a grin. After closing his eyes and shaking his head with a shudder, he said firmly: "All right." He went to the door and began wrenching away chairs and lamps. When it was done, he opened the door and let in an irate Edmund. As the girl was leaving, he tapped her on the shoulder.

"You should consider taking up a job as a negotiator, y'know?"

"Whatever." She shrugged. "See you, Peter."

"See you."

The girl left, muttering, _'I don't understand…I just don't understand…'_

He turned back to where Edmund was righting his desk chair. "You're still being laid off, you know," Edmund said with a scowl. "And this incident will only confirm your 'insanity.'"

"I'm not insane, Ed," Peter insisted. "I just…saw something. When I talked to myself that day—"

"Talking to oneself is a sure sign of madness, Peter." Edmund said seriously. "Are you sure you're not overworking?"

"Just…leave it alone, will you?" Peter grumped.

Both were bent over their work so intently that neither of them noticed the entrance of two people until a voice spoke. "Peter, d'you mind giving me an answer about what we discussed last time?"

Peter let out a howl, looked up, let out another howl, and dove beneath the desk. Unfortunately, this last action was accompanied by a loud "CRACK!" as Peter smacked his skull against the desk. He was thus effectively rendered unconscious.

It was only at the 'CRACK' of Peter's skull ringing against wood and metal that Edmund looked up. He put a hand over his head and gasped. "I know you…" he shook an accusing finger at the blondish man standing before him. "But…" he turned to the dark-haired one. "Who are _you?_"

"Who am I?" the addressed figure smirked. "Why, Edmund Pevensie, of course."

Edmund's mind spun. So this…this was what he was seen as…in the movie…by millions of fans…who had never even read the books… Of course he'd been in movieverse. He was as a Canon Keeper of both realms required to step in every now and then. But he'd always been in there as himself, and so had never seen himself. That was why he'd recognized the blondish one—it was movieverse Peter.

Suddenly, Peter's insanity seemed quite logical.

"No," he breathed. "You can't be…"

Then his rage overtook him. He knew quite a bit about what went on with this creature…_because_ of this creature. Seeing him face to face was an opportunity to unload everything.

"How DARE you mutilate my character thusly? How DARE you?! Have you no shame? For shame!"

The movie Edmund took a step back as the Canon Keeper continued.

"Making me out to be a misunderstood, stupid, gullible brat who fell for the Witch's tricks instead of blatantly following her—how DARE you?!"

"You mean," movie-Edmund gasped, "you're angry at me for not being _bad_ enough?"

"Duh," Edmund snapped. His time canon keeping had, unfortunately, introduced him to more modern phraseology, and when he was in a bad situation it often slipped out.

"But I only want to defend the canon—"

"What an insult! What an INSULT!" Edmund exploded.

"I don't understand…" Movie-Edmund whimpered.

At this moment Peter awoke, remembered what was going on, leapt from his place beneath the desk, and unfortunately forgot that he was beneath the desk. He bashed his head again, and left the land of the conscious once more.

"It was the director," Movie-Edmund whimpered. "He made us do it."

"Us? He made _you_! And who were you to listen to the director, anyway? Since when has a King of Narnia bowed to the whims of some _movie director_?!"

"Since I did?" M-Edmund quipped weakly. Edmund was not amused.

"I'm sorry!" M-Edmund pleaded. "I didn't mean to—"

"You never mean to do anything," Canon Keeper Edmund Pevensie said quietly. "That's exactly what's wrong with you. I realized it was going on, of course—I had to _defend_ it—but I didn't realize it was so terrible…oh…ugh…" And Edmund sat down, feeling the need to retch something foul all over the place just so he could go home and sleep off this headache. Or escape the presence of his movie self.

Meanwhile, Peter was dashing water on Peter's unconscious face. (If you think about it, that actually does make sense, given the current situation.)

"Wha…? ARGH!" Peter, CK crawled behind a chair. "M-make him go away, Ed, m-make him go away!"

"Peter?!" Edmund (of the books) was slightly taken aback at seeing his brother cringing behind a chair. "Since when have you been a coward?"

"Coward…wait…" Peter Pevensie, _true_ High King of Narnia, jumped out from behind the chair and brandished Rhindon. He'd taken to carrying it around, lest anyone think of mentioning that he was very nearly (and almost certainly) laid off and shouldn't be here.

"_You're_ the coward! You tricked me into thinking you're me, but you're not! You're the reason all those stupid Mary Sues come in here! William Measly, huh? When have you ever taken up with hunks, Peter Pevensie?"

"Er…that's William Moseley, sir."

"Right, Measly Moseley, and Measly is as Moseley does. HA!" Peter did a little jig at his joke, while Edmund jumped in despair off a metaphorical cliff into a metaphorical ocean filled with metaphorical pointy rocks.

Movie-Edmund began to edge towards the door. Book-Peter had a glint in his eye as he approached Measly-Moseley-Boy.

"YOU simply stood there and held out your sword when the wolf threatened your sisters! You were supposed to lunge at him! You might have been an awkward fighter, but you were never such a reluctant, stupid hero!"

Moseley-boy cringed. "I…I…just wanted my brother back."

"That doesn't mean let the wolf jump on you and accidentally impale him! Your own sisters had to pull him off you! I can't believe how pathetic everyone thinks I am! How enraptured they all are with my 'hunkiness,' and never realizing all the mindless angst that goes into it!"

"Er—"

"I've got a message for your director. Caspian was a reluctant king. _I_ was not. Get it straight!" He held Rhindon out in front of him. "And don't even think about holding that sword out in front of you like you do in the movie – the girls may find it cute or whatever term they use these days, but I think it's pathetic—and I'm _no longer_ an awkward fighter! The day you keep a canon decently will be the day Narnian wolves have American accents. So get out."

"Peter, sir, our wolves _do _have American acce---"

"GET YE HENCE!"

He got. Movie-Edmund had already disappeared.

Peter wiped his brow and sat down. "Ed," he began. The Keeper next to him nodded shakily. "Do me a favor? Don't mention this to the girls. Just say it was all a misunderstanding…"

Edmund waved his hand wearily. "Whatever. Now I know why they don't let us see ourselves when we do Movieverse jobs. You'd never believe the trauma of talking to myself…I talked to myself…ugh…it was terrible..."

Peter rolled his eyes. "Talking to oneself is a sure sign of madness, Edmund," he said bitingly but not without good humor. "You'd better watch it."

Edmund simply moaned and scrubbed at his face tiredly. "Just go talk to the EA and get your job back."

"I think I will, Ed," Peter grinned. "Though I may not need to do that; she said she'd fix it up alright. I think she knew what was going on."

"Who, the EA?" Edmund squinted his eyes up at his brother.

"Nah, the department's Negotiator for the Handling of Cracked or Otherwise Damaged Keepers. She left after you came in."

"Eustace always said she was good at that sort of thing," Edmund yawned. "Of course, I always thought he was just talking…you know how he is…but perhaps he was right about Jill after all."

**A/N: **_I'll admit, this idea is pretty much whacko. I'm not even sure where it came from; all I know is that one day I realized that although we've seen roughly what happens to a Canon Keeper when he or she has to change from bookverse to movieverse, that they've always entered the canon as themselves and therefore never needed to see themselves. Although they already _know_ what their character does and how it differs from book canon, I thought their reaction would still be rather violent if an Life And In Person meeting were to occur. _

_I did not intend to bash the movie – true, I have a few "peeves" with it, and I'm sure some of them come out in Pete and Ed's ravings, but all in all I am a great fan of the movie and don't mind the character portrayals at all. (Doesn't mean I find them entirely canonical, though…) Hope no one's offended by that. _

_I shall be taking a break from this series - maybe after I get IX up, maybe before - and will do so until I feel the "burning" returning. (Whoop! A rhyme!) At any rate, I'm going to rest my mind from this - I have so many great ideas, and I want to do them properly. So expect more HTKANMS: LWW and I'll be posting again soon. -JotM_


End file.
